Title: Letting Go (1/1)
Author: L. M. Shard
Date: 5-6-02
E-mail: lsshard@cox.net
Website: www.geocities.com/fox_nhound  
Rating: G
Category: V
Keywords: DSF, DSR, Doggett POV
Spoilers: "Release"
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: Anywhere
Disclaimer: Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own these lovely 
characters.
Summary: An alternate ending and a post-ep to "Release".



LETTING GO
By L. M. Shard



Barbara and I stood in the cold ocean water, the small waves 
lapping at our shoes, drenching our pant legs.  I looked at the 
gold-hued metal box in my hand, carefully, lovingly reading 
the inscription: Luke Doggett, January 9, 1986 -- August 13, 
1993.  I glanced at Barbara, who stood slightly behind me, her 
body close to mine, her hand gripping my arm firmly.  Slowly 
I opened the box and within seconds the gentle breeze caught 
Luke's ashes in its delicate grasp and distributed them into the 
blue, powerful ocean.  Just like that, what we physically had 
remaining of him was gone, scattered effortlessly by the wind.

My heart ached so much I thought it would stop beating right 
then and there, but the slight pressure from Barbara's hand on 
my arm made me realize that I was not the only one grieving, 
and that was just enough to give me the minuscule shred of 
strength I needed to offer her the now-empty box.  She 
accepted it and, without a word, turned and walked away from 
me, leaving me utterly alone.   How I had needed to hold her 
close to me at that moment, the mother of our precious son, 
the woman I had loved--still loved--for so many years!  But 
she was beyond that now.  In the years since Luke's death, she 
had put her energy into moving on with life, a life she chose to 
live without me, while I kept looking for his killer, following 
any obscure lead, no matter how slim or insane.  I could not let 
it go and, in doing so, I lost the last member of our little 
family.

I watched her go, walking further and further away from me, 
until my eyes caught the outline of another figure standing 
next to my truck in the distance.  Suddenly I realized I needed 
her even more than Barbara and walked toward the patient 
woman waiting for me.

I reached her and her face reflected the pain she knew must 
have been in my heart.  There were no words to say at that 
moment and I let myself fall into her embrace, her arms 
immediately encompassing me, offering the comfort I so 
craved.  I pulled her as tightly against myself as I could 
without breaking her delicate bones and buried my face into 
her neck.  The modicum of strength I had had just minutes ago 
vanished and all my grief resurfaced like a tidal wave and 
broke the dam around my heart, allowing me to let it flow out 
in the security of her arms.  She held me as tightly as I held 
her, trying to absorb the shaking of my anguished body.  I 
don't know how long it was that we stood there like that, like 
two people glued to one another, but by the time I felt I could 
let her go, I felt amazingly better, almost reborn.

"Let me take you home," she whispered, her blue eyes filled 
with compassion as her fingers tenderly wiped at my tears.  
Her auburn hair shined radiantly in the sunlight, the glow 
resembling a halo to me.  It was fitting, for she was angelic in 
my eyes.

Without another word, she took the keys that I had just 
gathered out of my pocket from my hand and opened the 
driver's side door.  We both sat ourselves in the truck and 
drove in silence.

That rebirth I had initially felt in her arms just minutes before 
became increasingly clearer to me as we drove toward my 
house.  Finally, after nine endless and torturous years, I had 
found Luke's killer and justice was served--as much justice as 
there was in this world.  And now that his murder was 
resolved, Barbara and I had let his ashes out to sea to play in 
the waves for eternity.  It was time to let go, and I found that I 
already had.  A peace I hadn't felt in the last nine years settled 
and took root in my heart and I felt literally lighter.  It utterly 
amazed me at how quickly it happened, but I was grateful, and 
now it was time to move on and let life in again.

I looked over at Dana and could see that she was overcome 
with sympathy for me, but was trying to be strong and 
supportive.  If she only knew what strength and support she 
did provide for me, not just today, but on a daily basis…well, 
that was one of the many things I wanted to tell her, and I 
knew the time had come--soon, when I had her undivided 
attention.  I took her right hand in mine and held it for the rest 
of the trip, feeling the strength, comfort, and love flow from it 
into me.

Arriving at my house, she gave my hand a little squeeze 
before letting it go and put the truck in park, then killed the 
engine.  She turned and looked at me, her emotion-filled eyes 
open for the reading.

"John…do you want to be alone?"

"No," I said.  I definitely did not want to be alone anymore.  
"Can you come inside for a while?"

"Of course," she said without hesitation, a slight smile on her 
lips.  I think she was surprised at my answer.

We walked to the front door in silence and entered the house.  
I hung my jacket on a hook near the door and took off my 
waterlogged shoes and socks.

"Can I offer you somethin' to drink?"

"No, thank you," she said, her voice gentle.  "Come sit down 
with me."  She patted the couch, her smile promising comfort 
and refuge.

I sat down next to her and she wrapped one arm around my 
lower back, another around my stomach, and laid her head 
softly against my chest.  I gathered her in my arms as well and 
held her close, resting my chin on her silky hair.  How did she 
know exactly what I needed?  No questions, no "I'm sorrys", 
no pity, no "tell me how you feel", just her, her presence, her 
warmth, her--dare I hope--love.

We sat like that for a long, long time, until her soft voice 
broke the stillness.  "Follmer's in jail, pending bail.  He's 
expected to get life in prison."  An anguished silence followed 
and then she continued, "I'm so glad you weren't the one who 
killed Regali."  The relief in her voice was obvious.

"I would've.  He just beat me to it," I said.  It was the brutal 
truth; one I knew she did not like hearing.  I had had every 
intention of ending that scum's life myself that day and had 
Follmer not done it, there would have been nothing that would 
have stopped me.  I was damn glad Regali was dead.  Scum 
like that didn't deserve to walk this earth.  But now, now that 
I've cooled off a bit, I'm relieved I wasn't the one who pulled 
the trigger.  Follmer would be paying a high price for what he 
did and as happy as I was that Regali was dead and as much as 
I disliked Follmer, I felt guilty that he was paying that price 
and not me.  After all, I would have, had fate not stepped in at 
the last possible moment.

Dana sat up and looked at me, profound emotion darkening 
her indigo eyes.  "Don't get me wrong; I'm glad you got your 
justice and I understand you having wanted to do it yourself, 
but I don't think I could have handled you paying that price.  
To visit you everyday in prison, knowing you'd never be free, 
never be…"

She didn't finish her sentence and for an instant I wondered 
why, until I saw the answer in her eyes.  It was the first time I 
had ever seen her display that emotion so clearly.  It was 
unmistakable: she loved me!  Was this new or was it always 
there?  Did it take the freeing of my heart and soul to actually 
see it?  It did not matter, for I saw it now.  I knew I had fallen 
for Dana Scully the moment I had met her, but my heart was 
too burdened, too anguished to let her--or any other woman 
for that matter--in.  But now everything was different: I was 
free and I wanted--needed--to let her in. 

She lowered her eyes and I placed my fingers gently under her 
chin, urging her to meet my gaze once again.  She did and I 
spoke.  "I am free, Dana, in more ways than one.  Havin' 
Luke's murder solved has brought me some closure and freed 
my heart, somethin' I closed off and buried with work and 
leads and possibilities and an endless amount of pain.  I 
wouldn't let anyone in; that's why my marriage failed, even 
though I needed Barbara more than I could ever say.  But now 
I'm free and ready to let love in again."

Before I could continue, Dana whispered, "Monica."

Was that what she thought; that I loved Monica and wanted to 
let her in my heart?

"Barbara told me that if you would just let her in, she thought 
you and Monica would make a perfect couple."  Did I hear a 
slight tinge of jealously in her voice?

"Barbara said that?"  That was news to me!  "Well, she's 
wrong.  I do love Monica.  She's my best friend and I need her 
in my life.  She's been there for me through my darkest times, 
but I'm not in love with her."

Dana looked at me, her brows arched, as surprise claimed her 
beautiful features.

"I'm in love with you," I said softly, studying her face.  It was 
filled with a myriad of deep emotions.

"Oh, John," she breathed and leaned toward me.  I captured 
her lips with mine in the most tender of kisses.  When we 
parted, tears were in her eyes and she whispered, "I love you."

Any remnants of pain that had been in my heart vanished and 
it filled completely with my love for her.  I felt alive and free.  
I was home at last.  Gathering her into my arms, I kissed her 
again, feeding off of the love she so freely gave me and letting 
my love for her flow just as freely.  

I knew at that moment that my rebirth was complete and that I 
would be living life again, a life that had been on hold for nine 
long years.


THE END