Title: Letting Down the Walls (1/1)
Author: L. M. Shard
Email: lsshard@cox.net
Website: www.geocities.com/thefoxandhoundx_filessite  
Date started: 4-7-02, date completed: 4-8-02
Rating: PG-13
Category: V, A, R
Keywords: Doggett/Scully UST, Doggett/Scully romance
Spoilers: DeadAlive
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: probably anywhere, but please ask first.
Disclaimer: Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own all characters 
within.  (Oh, how I love these characters!)  No copyright 
infringement is intended.
Thanks to: Diandra and Megan.
Author's Note: For this story I am pretending that Mulder 
was never exhumed and found alive.  He rests in peace, 
unlike those that remained behind.
Summary: Each in their own misery, Scully and Doggett 
meet by chance.


LETTING DOWN THE WALLS
By: L. M. Shard


Another Friday night and John Doggett sat at home.  His 
mood was miserable.  He flipped the channels of his TV 
with the remote, going through the seventy plus options 
available.  Nothing looked good.  But then again, he 
doubted that even if NASCAR had been showing now, he'd 
be interested.  He was angry and depressed at the same time, 
and he knew that if he didn't get out of here, do something, 
anything to get his mind off of Dana Scully, he'd explode.  
He grabbed his black leather jacket, wallet, and keys and 
headed out the door.

He drove directly to a favorite bar of his.  Not that he'd been 
here often since starting work on the x-files.  He told 
himself that it was because he was just too busy to go out 
anymore.  With all the weird cases and traveling he did for 
them, going out on the weekend just seemed like more of a 
hassle.  But when he was honest with himself, he knew that 
his lack of interest in the bar scene, or any scene for that 
matter, was because of Dana.  Funny, that's what almost 
everything in his life boiled down to these days: Dana.  
Well, he couldn't keep his life on hold, waiting for 
something that probably would never happen.

Sitting down at the bar, he ordered a couple shots of 
whiskey.  The bartender delivered them promptly and John 
downed them just as promptly, ordering another round.  He 
drank the next two like the first, enjoying the burn as they 
went down and hoped that soon he'd be feeling anything 
other than this empty loneliness of late.  It was actually 
much more than loneliness; it was a craving for something 
he knew would never be satisfied.

He sighed heavily as he scanned the room for any and all 
distractions.  There were several attractive women in the bar 
yet, looking at them, he just wasn't interested.  Maybe he'd 
make himself interested before the night was over.  He just 
had to get out of this endless void he was feeling.

He gulped another whiskey down, finally starting to feel the 
effects of the first four, yet thoughts of Dana still swam 
around in his head.  What was it about that woman that just 
put her at the forefront of his mind on a daily basis?  She 
was drop-dead gorgeous, that was for sure.  But it was so 
much more than that, or almost any of the women here 
tonight would have done just as well.  It was her strength, 
her independence, her determination, and her smile--
definitely her smile--even though she showed it much too 
rarely.  He knew she was going through an infinite amount 
of pain losing Mulder.  When they had buried him that 
dreary, gloomy morning, she had changed as any hope she 
had once held turned into pain and melancholy.  She became 
even more withdrawn and reserved toward him.  Not that 
she had let him in much at all before, but the confirmation 
of his death made her seem even more remote, more 
untouchable than ever.  And here she was almost nine 
months pregnant with what he assumed was Mulder's child 
and he yearned to help her, just be there for her, but she shut 
him out with every glance, every word, every gesture.  He 
shook his head.  How had he fallen in love with a woman 
that apparently had no interest in him as a friend or 
otherwise?  Sighing deeply, he ran his fingers through his 
hair and stared at the empty glasses on the counter.

Dana Scully lay restlessly in bed, trying hard to shut off her 
thoughts so she could finally slip into the oblivion of sleep.  
But already she had been laying here for over an hour with 
endless thoughts of Mulder parading through her head.  It 
had been over nine months since Mulder was abducted, 
seven since she had buried him, and yet it seemed like 
yesterday.  She rubbed her overgrown belly, feeling the little 
kicks and jabs of her baby-Mulder's baby-against her 
hands. She knew she had to let him go.  Had to let go all 
the plans for a happy little family she had hoped for with 
him, let go of all the love they once shared.  She knew that 
if she couldn't do it for herself, she had to do it for their 
baby.  He or she would need her to be a whole person, fully 
functional, without the daily depression.  Having this baby 
was bittersweet.  She would always have a part of Mulder to 
love through it, but she would always think of him and how 
much he was missing through it as well.

She knew her mother, John, Monica, and even Skinner had 
tried hard to offer her their help and support.  But she had 
rejected it time after time, not allowing anyone a view of her 
heart or mind.  She had completely closed herself off from 
the rest of humanity and now she felt as if she were in some 
sort of prison.  Even John, who had suffered a similar loss 
with the death of his wife and son, she wouldn't let in.  In 
her head, she knew that just talking to him would be some 
sort of relief for herself, to be understood by another human 
being, one who had been there, had been there for her since 
this whole adventure into misery had begun.  But her heart 
kept her from allowing him that close, because, despite her 
mourning, she had feelings for him that she would rather not 
face or admit to herself.  

The same went for Monica, who tried so hard to offer her 
comfort, despite the multiple cold shoulders and changes of 
topic she gave her.  Dana wouldn't, couldn't let her into the 
walls of her head.  Funny, because she needed a friend now 
more than ever, and she knew in her heart that Monica 
wanted to be that friend, could be that friend, if she just let 
her in.  She knew that she could no longer go on like this for 
her own health and well being, but more importantly for the 
well being of her child.

Since sleep eluded her, she decided that there was no time 
like the present to start living a life outside of her own 
misery.  Even if she had to force herself, she would come 
out of this and become whole again.  She tore back the 
covers, pulled on some jeans and a top, grabbed a matching 
jacket, and left her apartment.  Where she was going, she 
did not yet know.

She drove around aimlessly for about a half hour, at one 
time finding herself parked in front of John's house.  But to 
actually go ring that doorbell was too big a step for her, so 
she started up her motor again and drove some more.  
Eventually she ended up at a small bar, and even though she 
knew the bar scene probably wasn't the best for a very 
pregnant woman, she felt she needed the company of other 
human beings.

She walked in, noticing some of the rather surprised stares a 
few of the patrons gave her, and sat herself at a small table.  
One thing about being this pregnant: it sure was a deterrent 
from being hit on, something she definitely was not ready 
for.  Almost immediately, a cocktail waitress approached 
her and she ordered seltzer water with a twist of lemon.

Dana looked around, taking in her surroundings.  It was not 
that crowded for a Friday night, but maybe that was because 
the night was still young in nightlife terms.  She noticed that 
many of the patrons were here as couples or as a part of 
small groups.  There were two pool tables in the back and 
the players seemed to be having a grand time, cheering as 
each ball went into a pocket.  Looking at them having so 
much fun, she suddenly felt very lonely and friendless.  She 
sighed, knowing it was her own doing.  Monica had even 
asked her to join her for dinner tonight, but she had told her 
that she was too tired.  Instead of giving herself an 
opportunity to start to heal, she relegated herself to be alone 
with her melancholy thoughts, thinking about the what-
could-have-beens instead of concentrating on the present 
and the future.  Well, no more.  The next time Monica asked 
her to go out with her, she would accept.

She had thought that on several occasions John had wanted 
to ask her to lunch or even dinner.  But her body language 
toward him at those moments was so distant, even 
defensive, that he did not.  She remembered actually being a 
bit disappointed, but quickly brushed that feeling aside.  He 
had been nothing but kind and caring towards her while 
searching for Mulder and after Mulder's burial.  He had 
made several offers of lending an ear to her, even bring up 
what must have been a very painful memory of being in the 
same boat, but she had refused his help, his comfort so often 
that he finally stopped offering it.  But each time she 
allowed herself to look into those intense blue eyes of his, 
she could see his concern.  There was something else his 
eyes held for her as well, something she was so close to 
name, like a word on the tip of ones tongue, but the name 
eluded her.  She wouldn't allow herself to dwell on it either, 
always piling other thoughts into her brain, lest she actually 
come up with the answer.

She continued her perusal of the place until her eyes rested 
on a man sitting at the bar.  He looked vaguely familiar and 
the more she looked at him the more familiar he became.  
Even with him sitting, she could tell that he was a tall man, 
lean, but muscular, with powerful thighs that strained his 
blue jeans.  His hair was neatly cut in a short, but attractive 
style.  Although she could not see his face, she could tell 
that he was not happy.  He had at least four empty glasses 
sitting in front of him and every now and then he would put 
his head in his hands in what seemed like depression or 
defeat.  Suddenly it struck her: it was John Doggett!  But no, 
it couldn't be!  The chance that they would both end up here 
on the same night at the same time seemed incredibly 
remote.  Curiosity got the best of her and, needing another 
drink anyway, she headed toward the bar.

Someone approached his right side, but John did not look 
over, keeping his eyes glued to the increasing line of empty 
glasses before him.  He had come here to forget about her, 
perhaps mingle with some new people, but he had been able 
to do neither.

"Seltzer water, please," the person at his right said and he 
jerked his head up in that direction, immediately 
recognizing the voice.

He couldn't believe his eyes and actually closed and opened 
them again to make sure he wasn't seeing things.  Dana 
Scully stood next to him at the bar in all her pregnant glory.  
He was too dumbfounded to say anything, but he didn't have 
to, for in the next instant she turned toward him and her eyes 
met his.  Their gazes held for what seemed like an eternity, 
both too shocked by each other's presence to say anything.  
Finally their silence was broken when Dana said simply, 
"John."

No "Agent Doggett"?  That was a surprise in itself, to both 
of them.  John's first impulse was to smile and greet her 
warmly, but then he remembered he was trying to forget 
her, trying to stop opening himself up to getting hurt and 
instead he just mumbled, "Hi," and looked back down at his 
empty glasses.

Dana was astonished, disappointed, and yes, hurt at his 
demeanor, but was determined nevertheless not to be the 
one to "run away" as she had been doing for too many 
months already.  Besides, it looked like John really could 
use someone to talk to.  He was obviously very sad or upset 
about something.

She pulled up a stool and sat down next to him.  Then as 
gently as she could she asked, "What is it, John?"

He was silent for a long time and just as she thought he 
either hadn't heard her or just wasn't going to answer he 
said, "What's it to you?"  Then to the bartender he said, 
"Another whiskey."

She was shocked at his remark, but then isn't that what she 
had been giving him all these months, the cold shoulder?

She was about to say something when he flung another 
question at her.  "What happened to callin' me 'Agent 
Doggett'?"  It came out more biting than he had intended, 
but with all the pain he was feeling over her, he wanted to 
throw some of it back at her, see if she could even feel 
anything when it came to him.

Dana was not expecting such a question and was rather 
embarrassed and confused at the same time.  Her face 
flushed slightly and she stuttered, "I'm sorry...you'd rather I 
not call you 'John'?"

"No," he said gruffly.  He downed his new drink, then 
amended his answer.  "I mean...John's fine.  Whaddya want 
from me?"

Once again Dana was flabbergasted.  John had never spoken 
to her like this before!  It was just not like him!  Perhaps it 
was the alcohol talking, but her suspicions told her that it 
was probably what brought him here to drink in the first 
place that was really affecting his mood.

Carefully she said, "Nothing.  I just happened to see you 
here and I noticed you look upset.  Do you want to talk 
about it?"

He looked at her with venom in his eyes, "Oh, like you talk 
to me when you're feelin' upset or sad?!"

She looked down, knowing his rhetorical question was 
loaded with truth.  "I'm sorry, John..."

"There's nothin' to be sorry about!  You don't wanna let me 
in-fine!  But don't expect me to let you in either!"

Anger flared within her and she stood up to leave, but she 
realized he was only telling the truth.

"Surprise, surprise!  You're leavin'?" he asked in a mocking 
tone, his steel blue eyes piercing through hers.  "Go run and 
close yourself off from the rest of the world!"  He knew he 
had stepped over a line with that comment, but at the 
moment he didn't care.

Against every urge she had to run and get the hell out just 
like John had suggested, she forced herself to sit down 
again.  "No," she said firmly.  "I'm not going anywhere until 
you tell me why you're in such a foul mood."

They stared at each other for a long time and then he finally 
said, "Not 'till you tell me why you're here first."

Silence fell between them again and Dana's mind raced with 
possible answers.  "I just needed to get out."

Again she wasn't letting him in.  What else was new?  "So 
you just happened to pick this particular bar, not exactly 
close to your apartment, is it?  But it sure is close to mine!"  
What had he been insinuating there?  He was surprised at 
his own remark.  Somehow his fantasies of her coming to 
look for him found themselves into his words.  If he weren't 
so drunk, he might have blushed at his implication.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself.  It's not like I was tracking you 
down or anything!" she responded, her anger rising again.  
Did he really think she was looking for him?  The gall!

"Then why are you here?"  Would she actually give him a 
real answer?

"Like I said, I just wanted to get out, and somehow, after 
driving around for a long time, I ended up at this bar.  I 
certainly did not think I'd be running into you here!"

He shook his head.  She still wasn't letting him in.  Her 
armor was on as tough as ever.  Why did he even bother 
trying to crack it?  "I don't know, Dana, but you don't strike 
me as the type of woman to just go to a bar alone, 'specially 
in your condition."

She looked down at her belly, reminding herself of the 
entire reason she was here and the promise she had made to 
herself earlier that night.  She sighed deeply.  "You're right.  
I came here because I couldn't sleep and...I'm tired of being 
alone."  There, she had said it and, boy, did she feel foolish!  
She braced herself for the savvy comeback John would have 
for that admission.

The wall he had newly built around his heart against this 
woman quickly melted at her words.  They were the first 
honest words about herself she had told him in as long as he 
could remember.  "Well then, I'm glad you ran into me," he 
said softly.  He searched her eyes for more answers.

She had been bracing herself for sharp words and was 
totally unprepared for the soft ones he spoke to her.  She 
gave him a little smile then lowered her eyes, suddenly 
feeling incredibly vulnerable.  Was she actually going to let 
this man in?  God knows she wanted to, but could she, 
would she allow herself to?  Once again she reminded 
herself of the promise she had made just a few hours ago.  

Still looking down, she said quietly, "I miss Mulder so 
much..." He gently placed his hand on top of hers, 
encompassing it in warmth.  That gesture gave her the 
strength to continue.  "But I realize I need to let him go for 
the baby's sake as well as my own."  

Suddenly, tears filled her eyes and she had the great need to 
be in his arms.  She slid off of her stool and fell into him, 
his strong arms immediately wrapping around her body.  
They hugged tightly for a long, long time then she 
whispered, "Can we go somewhere so we can talk?"

John couldn't believe what was happening!  This woman, 
this beautiful, pregnant woman who he was so in love with 
was finally letting him in!  It seemed too good to be true.  
"Of course," he whispered into her ear.

He threw a wad of money down onto the counter to cover 
his many drinks as well as her seltzer water, leaving his last 
drink untouched.

They walked out of the bar together, John taking her arm, 
more for his sake than for hers.  Now that he was standing, 
he noticed how dizzy he really felt and cursed himself for 
having drunk so much.  There was certainly no way he 
could drive in this condition.

As if reading his mind, Dana said, "I'll drive," and lead him 
to her car.  They both climbed in and she looked at him.  
"You know this area better than I do.  Any suggestions?"

He thought for a moment then said, "There's a nice park 
right behind City Hall.  It's called Cherry Hill Park and you 
can see the Cherry Hill Farmhouse all lit up as well as a lit 
up City Hall.  It's actually a really pretty spot to be at after 
sundown."

"Sounds perfect.  Just tell me how to get there," she said, 
starting the engine.

Within minutes they arrived and parked.  The night air was 
much chillier than Dana had expected and she popped the 
trunk and took out the two blankets she always carried in 
case of emergency.  "Here," she said, handing him one of 
them.

 

"I'm fine, but we can use it to sit on," he said and lead them 
to the center of the park where the view of both buildings 
was optimal.  He spread one of the blankets out on the grass 
and they sat down.  Dana quickly wrapped the other blanket 
around herself.

"Wow, this really is pretty," she said, taking in her 
surroundings.  City Hall was all lit up in soft yellow lights 
and in the opposite direction she could see the historic 
farmhouse.  Several streetlights dotted the park, allowing 
just enough illumination to see each other's faces rather 
clearly.

"Yeah, I've always liked comin' here, 'specially after dark.  
It's funny, this place is packed durin' the day, but at night it's 
almost deserted.  That's probably why I like it; it gives me a 
quiet place to just think."

She smiled at him, imagining him coming here all alone, 
going over his life in his head.

He returned her smile, then turned serious.  "Talk to me, 
Dana."

Her smile quickly faded and she lowered her eyes to her lap.  
What could she say?  Where should she start?  This whole 
idea of opening up to someone about her innermost feelings 
was so foreign to her.  She sighed deeply.  "How long does 
it take for the pain to go away?" she finally asked, speaking 
just above a whisper, her voice choking.

His heart ached at her words and the worst thing was, he 
knew his answer would be of little comfort.  Gently he took 
the hand that was not clutching the blanket around her and 
held it between his two.  It was as cold as ice and he rubbed 
it softly, hoping to create some warmth.  Quietly he 
answered, "It doesn't, not completely.  But it lessens as time 
goes by.  You just gotta take it one day at a time."

"I was afraid you were going to say that," she whispered, 
still looking down.

"It's been several years since my son and wife died, but the 
pain's still there, yet I can live each day without it crushin' 
me like it did in the beginnin'. "

"With the baby coming in a few weeks, I just feel like I'm 
running out of time.  I can't be a complete emotional wreck 
when this baby arrives.  I'll have to tend to his or her needs 
first and I'm just scared that I won't be strong enough to do 
it."

"You're a strong woman, Dana.  One of the strongest I've 
ever had the pleasure to know."

She smiled shyly and he put his fingers under her chin, 
tilting her face up until her eyes met his.  "Lemme help you.  
Lemme just be there for you.  I know that without my 
family's support I never would have made it through the 
grief, and I didn't have the added responsibility of a 
newborn."

He was right, letting him in might help ease the pain, even if 
just a little.  She was tired of feeling so helpless, 
emotionally out of control, and so incredibly alone.  But 
letting him in would be like admitting defeat, and not 
appearing strong and independent went against everything 
she had struggled for, for as long as she could remember.

It was like he had read her mind, as he spoke his next 
statement.  "You know, lettin' me or anyone else in, doesn't 
make you weak or helpless.  I know you'd come through this 
in one piece, but why go through it alone, subjectin' yourself 
to even more misery?"

"I know you're right, but letting you in, accepting emotional 
support, that's a hard step for me to take."  She paused, 
finding even that truth difficult to say out loud, but forced 
herself to continue.  "I want it, but...I'm scared."

"Of what?" he asked ever so softly.

She hesitated a long time before answering.  "Because 
letting you in makes me vulnerable and forces me to admit 
my feelings, something I've not had much practice in 
doing."

He was surprised at her honesty and knew what courage it 
took for a person like her to share what she just had with 
him.  He squeezed her hand tighter in his and waited for her 
to look at him once more.  "I promise that whatever you 
choose to tell me, stays between us.  And I promise I won't 
hurt you, I couldn't, I..." He couldn't finish his sentence.  In 
his intoxicated state, he had almost blurted out that he loved 
her and he wasn't sure she could handle that information 
right now.

"You what?" she asked, searching his eyes, afraid and 
excited of the answer at the same time.

"You know," he whispered, the words rolling slowly off his 
tongue.

She did.  There was no denying what she saw in his eyes 
and it warmed her through and through.  It was what she had 
seen in them many times before, but never allowed herself 
to really see, and it was what she herself felt as well, as 
guilty as that fact made her feel.

She suddenly realized something else as well, but had to 
make sure.  "Will you tell me now why you were so sad and 
upset when I saw you at the bar tonight?"

"You know that too," he whispered, his gaze not wavering.  
His heart was completely unveiled to her, out in the open, 
vulnerable, ready to be trampled on.  But what she did next 
surprised him. 

She did not look away like he had anticipated, she did not 
change the subject, or get up and walk away, like the Dana 
of old would have done, but instead she cupped his face in 
her hand and gently stroked his cheek.  He leaned into it, 
feeling her warmth and closing his eyes.  She watched him 
carefully, studying his handsome face in the glow of the 
light.  Delicately, with her fingertips, she traced the length 
of his nose, over his eyebrows, then over the outline of his 
lips.  She felt so close to him, so comforted, so at peace, like 
she hadn't since Mulder's disappearance.

John felt like he was floating with the angels, and although 
he looked relaxed, his heart was pounding wildly beneath 
his ribs.  It took every remnant of sobriety within him not to 
wrap her in his arms and devour her mouth with his.  The 
sensations her fingertips brought him quickly spilled into 
overdrive, the culmination of all his fantasies of actually 
being touched by her.

He opened his eyes to find her gazing intently at him, a soft 
smile playing on her lips.  He didn't know what to do.  
Under normal circumstances, he would have had no 
problem in making the first move and kissing her, but she 
was vulnerable right now and he did not want to take 
advantage of that.

"Dana..."

She put a finger on his lips, letting him know that no words 
were necessary.  Then she slowly leaned into him, gently 
brushing her lips to his in a whisper of a kiss.  She let them 
hover there, just barely touching his, as she breathed in his 
scent.  It made her heady and she swayed in spite of herself.

John's heart almost stopped in the anticipation--his 
breathing sure had.  Suddenly, his desire for her was so 
great, that against his mind's better judgment, he closed the 
millimeter gap between their lips and leaned in, pressing his 
lips to hers.  He was relieved when she slowly started to 
move her mouth on his in one of the most sensual kisses 
he'd ever experienced.  He forced restraint upon himself, 
wanting her to lead, have the control, to give, take whatever 
she wanted.  And she did.  Parting her lips, the tip of her 
tongue slid out and licked the part between his lips, until 
finally slipping further into his mouth, touching the tip of 
his tongue.  John literally trembled at the feeling and a tiny 
involuntary groan escaped him.  She wound her hand 
around the nape of his neck and buried her fingers within his 
hair as she pushed her tongue completely into his awaiting 
mouth, allowing his tongue to dance with hers in and 
excruciatingly slow, but incredibly erotic dance.  He could 
no longer restrain his hands to lying on his quickly 
tightening lap and he placed them on her face, letting them 
slide from her cheeks to her neck to her shoulders.  He 
forced them not to continue to her voluptuous breasts and 
instead let them slide to her back and pulled her closer 
against him.  This time it was she who moaned and she 
deepened the kiss, allowing her unspoken feelings to flow 
through it.

After several more moments they parted.  Dana's lips 
trembled.

"You have no idea what you do to me," he breathed, his 
every sense still on fire.

"Or you to me," she whispered.  Her body joined her lips in 
trembling.

"You're freezing," he said, pulling the blanket that had fallen 
off of her over her again and wrapping it snuggly around 
her.

"No, I'm okay," she replied, knowing that her trembling had 
nothing to do with the cold and everything to do with the 
kiss they had just shared.

He put his arm tightly around her and they sat side-by-side 
just enjoying each other's presence as the emotions and 
hormones that coursed through their bodies calmed down 
again to a controllable pace.  Her head rested against his 
broad chest, her ear hearing the music of his heartbeat.  It 
was amazing how much at peace she felt now, when just 
hours earlier she was miserable and restless.  Opening up to 
John-and herself-had given her freedom, not the opposite 
as she had thought, and suddenly life seemed manageable 
and worth living again.

"Thank you, John.  Thank you for helping me find the 
strength within myself to allow myself to be vulnerable with 
you."  She chuckled.  "It seems ironic, but I feel stronger."

He looked at her and gave her the warmest smile she'd ever 
seen, full of hope, tenderness, and love.  "I think we've both 
made ourselves vulnerable to each other tonight.  I, for one, 
don't regret it."

"Nor do I," she smiled.

"Ready to go home?"

"Yeah," he said, standing up and offering her his hand.  She 
accepted it and he pulled her to her feet.  They embraced 
tenderly, then folded up the blankets and headed to the car, 
secure in their friendship and secure in whatever it lead to.  
Together they would find happiness; they already had.

THE END

I hoped you enjoyed this piece!  I appreciate feedback, but 
no flames just because it is DSR.  This, as well as all my 
other stories (DSR as well as MSR), can be found at 
Megan's and my website at: 
www.geocities.com/thefoxandhoundx_filessite