Title: Kissing Restraint 101 Authors: Scifinerdgrl and RPCrazy Rating: PG-13 Classification: SRH Spoilers: Apart from having fun with the XF characters? You tell me. Keywords: Doggett/Reyes Relationship, Silliness Summary: Doggett and Reyes must pass Kissing Restraint 101 to get through Law Enforcement Academy. Why do they have a problem with that? Notes: This story happened as posts were going back and forth between us on the XF Official Site Message boards. This took a few hours of fun to conceive and it's quite silly. Feedback: holosweet@yahoo.com.au scifinerdgrl@hotmail.com Part One It was a wet January day, John Doggett was mesmerised by the beating of the rain on the lecture room roof and his mind began to wander. Kissing Restraint 101 was a compulsory subject at Law Enforcement Academy but he didn't care for it too much. Instructor: Now, everybody, practice: Aim for the mouth, divert to the forehead. Very good. Hey, you, Agent Doggett! Wake up! You just missed the most important lesson of your life! Doggett: Huh? Wha--- I was paying attention, really! Instructor: Now ladies and gentlemen I'd like each of you to choose a member of the opposite sex to practise on. [Scully and Reyes both race towards the drowsy Doggett.] Reyes: Ha ha Dana, I got here first. [Her face is jubilant] Scully: Oh rats! [Dana stamps her foot and reluctantly goes to her second choice (and we all know who that is don't we *VEG*) ] Instructor: Now ladies, you first. Concentrate now, aim for the mouth. [John is awake now but of course hasn't heard a word that's been said] [Monica has her arms around John and has her eyes on his mouth] Instructor: Now ladies, divert to the forehead. [The instructor looks across to Reyes and Doggett.] DIVERT TO THE FOREHEAD! Of course JD has swept Reyes up in his arms and has planted her with one very, juicy, long, wet, hot smooch on the lips. The instructor gets her big stick out to try and pull them apart, to no avail. Instructor: You two! I think we'll have to give you two some homework tonight! Detention room, 4.30! The other students look at the miscreants and think, Hmmmm they look like they're having more fun. Suddenly the whole room is awash in rampant hormones, and everybody is kissing and groping and groping and kissing... [Scully marches to the front of the room and yells:] Scully: Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!! [But nobody pays any attention. Finally she whacks the table with her pointer, breaking it in two. She stamps her feet.] That's NOT the way it's done! Two by two the students file out of the room, lips locked, arms entwined, practically tripping over each others' feet. Scully's eyes mist up and she says, Scully: They're gone. They're just... gone. Part Two Law Enforcement Academy Detention Room 4.30 pm Doggett: What?! We *weren't* meant to be kissing? [Looks across to a sniggering Reyes] Instructor: No, Mr Doggett. You obviously need some extra practice at this. You know you must pass this subject to pass the whole course. Doggett: I know that. [Not wanting to appear ignorant.] Instructor: Now I'm going to leave you two here to practise your kissing restraint. I'll be back in ten. [She breezes out the door] Reyes: Well she's a bit of a battle-ax. [Doggett just nods] Doggett: Okay Mon honey, where do we start? [He gets out the handcuffs] Reyes: How about on this chair? Doggett proceeds to handcuff Reyes to the chair then straddles her, both of them kissing passionately. Ten minutes later Ms Battleax comes back and they're still at it. Ms Battleax: What *are* you two doing? Doggett looks confused, Reyes looks ecstatic and radiant. Doggett: I was just using *restraints* while kissing. Isn't that right? Ms. Battleax: That's NOT what I meant, and you know it, young man. [Reyes snickers] Ms. Battleax: And you too, young lady. Well, I NEVER! I'm going to have to report this to Mr. Follmer. Reyes: Oh, no! Don't do that! We'll be good, we promise! [Her fingers are crossed behind her back] Ms. Battleax: You, young man! Take those handcuffs off of her this instant! [ He sheepishly removes the handcuffs, but winks at Monica as he backs away ] Ms. Battleax: Now, I want to see some serious forehead smooching, right here and right now! Doggett: Right here? [gulp] In front of you? Ms. Battleax: Well, if you can't do it in front of me, how are you going to do it in front of millions of viewers? Reyes: I hear the ratings are dropping anyway, so what's the diff? Ms. Battleax: That's enough out of you, Missy Smartmouth! [Doggett and Reyes look at each other, each trying not to laugh] Doggett: Okay, here goes! [Doggett and Reyes slowly move their heads toward each other, until their lips are about six inches apart] Ms. Battleax: Okay, now divert... Divert!... DIVERT [Doggett and Reyes are now deep into a very French lip lock] Ms. Battleax: Damn you, you heathen hornytoads! [Ms. Battle-ax pulls them apart. They both wipe their mouths with their sleeves, all the while smiling at each other mischievously] Ms. Battleax: I'll give you ONE more chance. Now, settle those hormones down and try again [Doggett and Reyes move their heads together slowly, and when they're about ten inches apart, Doggett dives in and nearly swallows Monica's face] Ms. Battleax: Oh, my! [she starts fanning herself with her legal pad] Oh no, oh no This is NOT happening [sits down, nearly faint, perspiration dripping down her forehead] Oh no, no, no, no.... YES!!! [Doggett and Reyes, hearing the magic word, start groping...] Part Three Doggett manoeuvres Reyes so she's sitting on his lap. They can't get enough of each other - mouths and hands are moving wildly. Doggett starts to undo Reyes' shirt buttons and Reyes has already whipped his belt off. Meanwhile Ms Battleax has her legal notepad and pencil out as is eagerly writing notes. Every so often she wipes sweat from her brow and mumbles to herself. Ms. Battleax: Kiss, buttons, belt, ... what's next?... um....bra, shoes, pants,... grrr ...bl**dy pencil's broken! Then there is a faint knock at the door. Scully [talking in a very sweet, angelic, high pitched voice with a pile of books under her arm and a short tweed skirt topped with a pale pink button-up cardigan, her hair tied up in a pale pink bow.]: Miss, I thought you might give me some extra homework. I've already read the five books you set for us. My favorites were "Celebrity Celibacy" and "Sex - Sinner or Saint?" She notices her instructor's catatonic stupor then looks over to the cause. There are Doggett and Reyes half-naked doing the *mambo* right there on the floor. Opportunity lost - she gasps and runs out of the room crying and shrieking!!! No!!!!!! Ms. Battleax rummages around her draw and finds another pencil and resumes her note taking. Ms. Battleax: .... Underwear, oh my!!!!!! She doesn't see an imposing figure loom at the door. Mr Follmer: John! Monica! My office NOW!! Part Four [John & Mon look up like a couple deer caught in headlights] John: Huh? Mon: Wha--? Ms. Battle-ax [looking up from her notepad]: Eh? Brad: Doctor Scully told me you refuse to learn the forehead smooch. John: If you say so Mon: Brad, you know that forehead smooch stuff is a load of crap. Nobody really does that. Brad: Agents Scully and Mulder did. John: And yet they managed to make a baby together. How do you explain that? Brad [looking down and shuffling his feet] Ms. Battleax: Well? Brad: We're, uh, looking into that actually... Ms. Battleax: Nobody told me about this. Why didn't you tell me, Brad?.... Brad? [Brad is staring at Monica's breasts and a thin line of drool is dripping down his chin] BRA-AADD! Brad [looking up suddenly] What? Oh, yes, Mulder and Scully. [CSM enters, flicking ash on Brad's shoes] CSM: Well, hello Ms. Battleax. Having trouble with a couple of troublemakers, eh? Brad: We can handle this, so why don't you bend over and... CSM: All in good time [flicks another ash on Brad's shoes] Ms. Battleax: Now, Brad, why don't you take these agents to your office and, uh, interrogate them. [Ms. Battle-ax shoos Brad out the office and signals to John & Mon, who grab their clothes and scoot out the door after him] CSM: Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted? [Ms. Battle-ax sidles up to CSM and shows him her notepad] [CSM reads, nods, and then nuzzles Ms. Battle-ax's ear] The door closes, and Brad, John, and Monica see the light go out. Part Five Law Enforcement Academy Principal Brad Follmer's Office 5.30 pm Mon and John are making gooey eyes at each other as Follmer paces the room all official-like - hands behind his back. Follmer: I hope you realise the seriousness of this breach. Anyone making whoopee within these walls could be discredited, never to return, never to graduate from this academy. He goes on with his diatribe, aware of his own self-importance but unaware of the two sexually primed students before him. The two chairs sidle up. Still not aware he goes on. Follmer: I too thought at one stage that Kissing Restraint 101 was a redundant subject but I've come to think now that it has merits. I can see clearly the value of forehead kissing. If Reyes hadn't been in piscatorial connection with Doggett at that time (okay - what's the kissing term? Isn't piscatorial to do with FISH? - LOL - humanlybound - help me!!!) she would have barfed at Follmer's comment. He momentarily looks over to the hormonally charged couple and jumps. Just then a familiar face graces their presence - one they thought was long gone from this world. Doggett: What are you doin' here? Reyes: Krycek. I thought you were dead!! .............. [Krycek winks at the horny couple. Then he whips his palm pilot out of his pocket, hits a few keys, and Brad Follmer doubles over in pain] Brad: What the f---? Krycek: I have put nanobots into the blood of every A.D. at the bureau. Mwahahaha And I can bend them to my will.. [he hits another couple buttons and Follmer is writhing around on the floor] [Krycek nods to Doggett & Reyes and they take their cue, escaping out the open door] [Krycek hits another couple buttons and Brad's body collapses into a heap] Brad: What the f---? Who are you? And what do you want from me? Krycek: Didn't anyone warn you? All male X-Files cast members must get it on with me in slashfic. It's a rule. Scifi wouldn't do that to you, Anne probably won't either, but it's inevitable. Even more inevitable than DRR wrap-ups probably. Got a problem with that? [and he pushed a couple buttons on the palm pilot] Brad: Yeah I've got a --- [he writhes as the nanobots multiply] problem -- with -- that -- I'm hot for Reyes, dammit! Krycek: Not in this fanfic you aren't! Ever get it on with a wooden hand? [The door closes and the lights go out] Part Six Law Enforcement Building 6 pm Primal cries could be heard from Principal Follmer's office but Reyes and Doggett didn't notice - they were heading towards the closest janitor's closet for a little more *homework*. [This sounds too much like Roswell Season 1 - making out in the eraser room] All the others who heard just thought Follmer was practising his tribal war cries - as usual. Doggett: Who would have thought Krycek would have been on our side. Reyes: Who would have thought Krycek would be back from the dead. Doggett: What's the X-File here? I've died once and was eaten and regurgitated. According to all the X-Files I read in a weekend Mulder died twice (even though the files were all burnt in a fire), Mulder's informants Deep Throat and X were exterminated, CSM has died twice, Scully was abducted by aliens and got cancer, Skinner's wife died, Mulder's dad was killed, his mum killed herself, his sister was a government experiment and was taken by walk -ins, Scully's sister was killed instead of her, Scully's dad died and went to the big Stargate SG-1 mission in the sky... and Scully's brother might as well be dead because is personality is.. Reyes: .. and your Luke died. Doggett: Oh c'mon Mon. Do you haffta bring that up? That wasn't in the X-Files! Doggett is suddenly overcome with grief and falls into Reyes' arms... Part Seven [Reyes coos into Doggett's ear and he gradually regains his composure] Doggett: Your place or mine? Reyes: How about the Motel 6 next door? It's closer. [They open the door to the closet and see Scully, her eyes red and misty, staring at them] Reyes: Sorry Scully. You lose. Neener Neener. [Reyes and Doggett walk out hand-in-hand, Scully stamping her feet and looking after them] Scully: But what shall I do? Where shall I go? Whom shall I shag? Doggett: [looking backward] Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. THE END